What A Time To Be Alive
Two weeks ago, I was looking forward to having some time off from work to enjoy the St. Patrick’s parade in Ybor City and spending time at home. One week ago, since the parade had been cancelled, I was in a restaurant with some friends hoping that life could return back to normal sooner than later. There have been a lot of changes this week that have slowly made us reconsider the seriousness of what is happening in the world. It’s as if a Category 5 hurricane is hitting the globe, but even Jim Cantore can’t talk us through this. We have to be patient and let the winds calm back down.
It has become all too apparent now that when things do go back to normal (whenever that might be), there will definitely be some changes. Here are my predictions:
-Toilet paper will now be the new hip currency, not BitCoin.
- Everyone will know exactly how many sheets of toilet paper it requires for them ‘get tidy’.
- Leftovers will become a legitimate menu choice for meal time, including guests.
- Marble racing will become a professional sport.
- E-gamer leagues will explode with new talent.
- When playing Uno, there is no playoff for second and third place. Period.
- Monopoly will reveal your cutthroat relatives to everyone and there will be some rewriting of wills based solely on this.
- When people sneeze or cough in public, if they are not covering their mouths, there will be a swift and severe beating of the offender.
- People are going to know so much more about each other since they had the time to dive deeply into post histories of Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, etc. God help you if you wore a sheet as a ghost costume in elementary school. That one will come back to haunt you.
- There will be garage sales in all neighborhoods selling surplus TP, water, rice, and bread from hoarders who can’t return the goods to the store. Despite the consequences, I’m willing to drive up to those houses and douse their stash with a bucket of water. As the great philosopher Arthur Fleck once opined, “You get what you f*@^%$# deserve.”
- High fives and fist bumps will be replaced by jazz hands.
- Everyone will be out socializing again because they already binge watched all the shows they wanted to and some that they didn’t.
- Lists explaining stuff can be longer again because our collective attention spans will be increased.
I’m sure there are some important things I’m missing here, but you get the idea. So I’m going to go back to playing Operation Mousetrap Battleship with my kids. It’s what happens when several games are missing pieces and you need to hobble something together to prevent sanity loss. Somebody sank my Charley Horse, so I’m about to feed some cheese to my submarine to launch an ICBM down a chute, bounce off the bread basket, and into the yellow mouse. Take that, William!
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